My purpose in sharing this highly personal blog is to educate my followers on life...yes, this may seem a bit paradoxical considering my blog is titled trash expert. This is not to say that I consider my being related to trash, but my rat commondeered me into thinking this would be the perfect title. The following images are not staged nor something I found on the internet. These images are so real that if I find any of them on random twitter accounts, you bet I will sue. I have gathered these moments as I journey through my daily life. It did take about 8 years to come up with my collection, so this blog is basically robbing me of everything I have ever worked for...thanks life!! In many of these pictures, I dont even really know what I see, and I dont need any judgment in that...Im not the piano man...I cant create the miracles of animal balloonery... I know that I am not Nostradamus...all I know is what I know. Put your apothecary hat on and diagnose these patients!!!

This is probably the most common thing that looks like another thing.  I know it is an easy way out finding a twig that looks like a number, but it just so happens that before i saw this, i was trying to decide how many packages of baklava i wanted to purchase.  When i saw this naturally i bought five packages. Does anyone know that Friendster is not selling shares but selling HAIRS? They are cutting their hair and selling it. They are poor. I just compared hairs to shares. After i saw this number 5 sculpted from a twig i automatically though of a great idea. Laser tag hair removal!!....? I also had a realization that my generation suffers from only being able to say one thing, which is, "I have something to say."

Look, I don't even care if you see this face or not. That's not what this is about. This is about respect for  the non prophet mental instatutions out there.  If I told you that this cement patch actually houses the remains of my pet rat's ashes, you probably would not believe me...you are sorely mistaken.  It just so happens that it does.  Did i notice this because every time I pack my suitcase i pretend that i will leave my roommates while they are in the shower?...Did I notice this because I just recently burned off my fingerprints from my neighbors camero?...Did I notice this because nurse Jackie was on some horse steroids and accidentally booked me for a Gary Coleman face augmentation?...NO... I noticed this because I have a keen eye for this stuff. Ill be damned if i walk down the street with my head down and don't see a face looking up at me. Its like in cartoons when they're fishing and catch an old boot and a tire...it like HELLO!... CLEARLY there is a wrecked car and a dead body down there!!

A goat! Maybe a dragon's face!... When you start bleeching your upper lip, little things like this really make a huge impact.  I know what your thinking...maybe I saw this while eating too much contraceptive jelly...maybe you think I hibitually abuse some sort of illegal growth hormone... maybe you think I peel off scabs. I dont. I just am the way that I am. I can respect a good camembert , and I can respect a goat shaped into the bark of a tree.  Hey guys this is really uncomfortable, but can I borrow $50,000...its for my knife collection??

Yo... not I did not mean hello, I meant this is the symbol I found in the dirt: www.signsinthedirt.whattheheck!!! I do not commonly use the word yo, but this is a sign. My father said he was going to put scented logs in the fireplace tonight. God! I wish he would stop burning slim jims...its starting to get weird."Leave now... and never come back! Leave now! And never come back!!!"--Smeagol to Gollum/me to an ingrown hair.  Whatever. I really have nothing more to say about this sign in the dirt other than I would like to believe it was sent to me by Danny De Vito's secretary.

Old Woman's Face!!!

Crazy moment in the shower = daydreaming about walking on a tight rope, then seeing an old woman's  face embedded in my shower curtain.  She has eyes. She has a nose. She has a deformed mouth. She has a freshly done curl up done by shirley.  It was fun to see her, the whole clan was there: Chim Chum Cheroo, Hulk Hogan, The two fat ladies, Ina Garteen. According to Christian the lion, people see different things when they look at this image. So in a way it is not too different than the woman in the movie Chocolate, so, in a way, IT MEANS EVERYTHING!!!!!! "Water...Gun"..."I want to thank my Grandma for always being so good to me, and, for helping save the world and everything."... WATCH THE MOVE MARS ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out this flower petal flying bird you swine.  I found this historical symbol while pumping a pixie cup full of mouthwash in a bathroom at my grandmother's country club. Considering the high priced flat fee in order to become a member, I was expecting something other than free mints.  "Thank you for all your support team". By this I mean I have not received any comments since the Christie Alley impostor.  I Would say that this little bird is a sneaky brown-noser with a hidden agenda...Ah. forget it. Ill be in my crawl space.

It's not like this grease stain on my restaurant table looks exactly like a fossilized fish or anything. I mean I really don't care at all.  LIFE = One minute your sitting alone at the restaurant table while your parents are in the bathroom, and your thinking how much I HAVE always liked the lumber yard, and that I DO love the L word, and the next minute BOOM!!!! Julie Andrews is laughing at you from the table next to you. It's a crazy world out there guys.  I mean its not like Magnus Carlsen is boring to look at, he just has trouble with the English.

 

Little man? Nephilim? A more manly version of Tweety Bird?..Ok?!! So do you get it now mother? I would die for this animal. I would die for this animal. I would die for this animal. I came across the little hulk, doing my wifely duties to myself when I was dusting up the wazoo.  Who knew that such a concentration of dust and lent in my garage would form such a Tasmanian little gift. .  Its kind of hard to calm down when I find this little avatar after I was going through a stage of centaurs and UFO's...whatever that means...Its like: call me old fashioned, but I saw something and I said something.  Its like, "Aloha, Aloha, suckers". Its like "Well I never really did like the name Geraldine." Fedora. Stoop. Moonshine.

Butterfingers!!! Look what happens to me when I drop necklaces...they transform in to the shape of a man with a beard.  This is not a joke you guys OK, he even has a small nose piercing ta boot!! Its like who is the dream and who is the dreamer??!!!  After this incident, I decided to sell the necklace to one of my brothers friends. I figured that after this, it could not live up to anything I expected of it. "Thank you ye old bejewelled necklace, and I honor thee for thine bounty on this fall harvest." He looks like such a pleasant man.  Maybe once cocky turned appreciative after the accident...like Christopher Reeve.  Oh and quick plug: Stephen Hawking makeovers tonight. my place. the woods. cash only.

Kitty litter umbrella...First I would like to say that I am really sorry about this, and the process of uploading this photo was embarassing and humiliating.   I know that this image is disturbing and discusting, but I though when the opportunity presented itself...why not go there.  This was such an amazing find, for it looks very much like Riana's Umbrella Ella Ella. When I look at this tiny little wee wee it means everything.  Im going to pretend like I am not the only one in the universe who takes a look at a cat's litter box and tries to determine hidden messages.  I am just a nightmare trying to make her way ok!!!  Dont you pretend like your cat litter is too good for the rest of us to see. Actually I know for a fact that when you look down at your cat's litter, you see a constellation, or for that matter the outline of Martha Stewarts face...please. Yea thats right.

Remember that Game Two Truths and a Lie???

1)When my mom found this she said, "Connor!!!! What the fuck??!!"

2) I keep my Cat's  litter box pretty clean.

3) I am a normal well adjusted person....

OK NOW GUESS!!!!

           Old man smoking a long cigar...also wearing an ear warmer and or hat.  Yes, I realize that this photo requires a 90 degree rotation of the head and neck to get the right angle, but Im sure you get the idea.  I came across this little old man when I was eating his internal organs while watching Goodfellas...and it is quite normal to eat blood oranges while watching Robert De Niro work his way up through mob hierarchy...It did take me my surprise that this artistic view of my orange scraps was taken on a quite lovely table with a floral pattern. I dont know how this happened but all I have to say is...yes, I am Banksy.  Pause for reaction.